[

I feel

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anxious

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My last update here was 27 weeks ago.
Holy hell. lmao.

I miss you guys. <3
I mean it when I say I'm going to try to update this a few times a week like I used to.. I wish I updated it a few times a day like I used to, lol.

Currently.. most things aren't going very well right now. I can only hope things will start looking up.
I can only hope.
I'll be fine.. aren't I always? -_-
I need to learn how to protect & maybe even shut off my heart.
I can't take the hurt. not anymore, not again.

I just realized I can't stop grabbing my skin & pinching & pulling on it.
must be a wierd new nervous habbit.
I need to get off of here.. I need to lie down, stare up at the ceiling & relax for a bit.


I hope that what is truely supposed to happen.. happens. whatever that may be.



love you guys. <3
i'm out.

-x- Rachel

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I feel

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depressed

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Does anyone still actually read my journal when I post?


If you read & you want to stay in my friends comment here. I'll give it about a weeks time or less before I start deleting whomever doesn't comment.
I need to start using this again.

Would anyone be willing enough to draw me?

I'd looooove that..

picture references = photobucket.com ( z0mbelectrique ) or myspace.com-z0mb_e_lectrique

No pictures yet, but I just got them done today.

Oww.. it's sooore. -_-

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I feel

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anxious

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I WANT/MUST HAVE THIS HAIR.




Does anyone know where on the internet I can buy long hair extentions that come on a track?
I buy the ones from Sally's here but they only have the shorter length ones.
I want long ones so I can do my hair like this.

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I feel

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Heartbroken/Devastated =(

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My baby. That I've had for around 4 years. Just passed away today.
I'm beyond fucking devastated. I CAN'T stop crying and hugging his cage.
I MISS HIM AND LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
I lost Aiden. For those who know anything about me or who ever read, they have some idea of how much he meant to me.
A huge part of my heart is now crushed. I knew he was going soon.. but I had no idea he'd go today, he showed no signs of sickness.
My best friend and beautiful baby boy rat Aiden has passed away today, 2-08-2007 R.I.P. Aiden <3

[	I feel	|	bored	]
[	I'm listening to	|	placebo	]

my baby's soooo beautiful, i love his hair like this. <3 awwe. *loves*
This man has saved my life, in more ways than one.



& 2 new horror pictures of myself for fun, i havn't really done much with this set yet, but I will soon, I had fun with it;

Yeah.. I'm annoyed because I already tried typing this once and it fucked up and wouldn't post.


I passed out and had a seizure and did the whole "Excorcism of Emily Rose" thing. ( Clint says when he found me I looked like Emily looked in the movie when her boyfriend finds her on the floor in her room that night. )
No, I was not posessed by the devil lol. Clint has a lanolium floor, and I was sitting here in his computer chair, and well, here's how it happened;


The last thing I remember is saying goodnight to Clint's Uncle when he walked past the room I was in and asid "'night!"
Then I remember waking up and seeing a stern police officer's face.
Clint, his Uncle and Ant asking me all kinds of questions like if I knew who I was if I knew who Clint was, so on and so forth and I did know who everyone was what I didn't understand is why everyone was freaking out, why were the police there? Then I was immediately rushed to the hospital.
Clint asked me in his car while we were driving to the hospital if I remembered anything that happened.. I said no, all I remember is waking up a second ago, I remember nothing else.
Clint told me that I had passed out and fallen to the ground in his room and had a seizure.. he said his Uncle heard me in the room (Clint was in the bathroom washing his hair at this time ) making a gurgling noise and his uncle thought maybe I was in here vomiting, they both came in and found me laying on the ground, my back arched, every muscle in my body locked and I was violently convulsing, my eyes were rolled back into my head and bloodshot, and I was grinding my teeth together really really hard & like foaming at the mouth and making gurgling and grunting noises. I was biting the HELL out of my bottom lip ( it's all kinds of fucked up now and swollen and such ) and Clint was freaking out and screaming and cursing because he thought I was dieing.. and if it weren't for him getting down and sticking his fingers in my mouth I probably would have bit my tongue off or swallowed it and so I'd either have a super fucked up tongue, maybe not one at all or be dead. I bit Clint's finger really bad and bruised it I guess, I feel horrible. I was completely unconcious during all of this. When I awoke on the way to the hospital I felt so, SO sick.. I could barely walk at all, and myu entire body was in SO much fucking pain and kind of shaky, especially my back which Clint said I had COMPLETELY arched when I was laying on the ground so.. that's why. When everyone told me what happened, I started fucking bawling.. because I mean come on, what if someone told you you just did something like that? The nurses told Clint that if he and his Uncle would not have entered the room and found me I probably would have died. Clint brought me back to contiousness because I think he was scaeraming and shaking me a ton and trying to stop me and restrain me from hurting myself as much as he could. He told me I had like an almost grin on my face when I kinda came back into contiousness. I cried so hard and was so fucking scared, I couldn't stop crying when I found out what had happened to me because.. I couldn't beleive it, I didn't remember a SINGLE thing, but I could feel all the pain from it.. and I felt very sick.. I laid in the hospital bed and cried for some time, Clint had to leave and go outside for a bit so he could cry, he didn't want me to see him crying & freak out even more than I already had. Clint's family had called my Mom and let her know what was going on and my mom was freaking out because well she's in Illinois there was nothing she could do. They gave me a catscan and blood tests and needed my urine and did all kinsd of tests on me and everything was alright.. they figured the cause of my seizure was that I had forgotten to take some of my prescription anti-anxiety pills over the past couple of days.. and that caused me to have the seizure. They gave me a prescription to get filled so I could get more of my very much needed pills, and now I'm taking them like religiousely. I'm scared shitless to ever miss any pills ever again.. I almost fucking died because of it.. wow.. just, wow. =/



I'm okay now I think, thank god.
pills pills fucking pills. ALWAYS TAKE ME PILLS.
I don't want to be passing out or having anymore seizures or nearly killing myself umm.. ever again please.


*is still feeling uneasy and scared about it* =| egh.

ANYWAY.. I'm fine now, just a few bumps and bruises and a mutilated bottom lip and I've been really tired since the whole thing.

and I still don't remember a single thing from when I was passed out and seizuring.
don't think I ever will.


They told me no ciggarettes or alcohol, & Clint's being his super careing self and making sure I don't smoke or drink or anything haha he's the biggest sweetheart ever.. he takes AMAZING care of me and cares so much.. I think without him I'd be dead. Literally.
He's gonna let me drink at the end of the week though, before I have to go home on Sunday. :D
eeee good. I wont smoke for awhile, I rarely smoke anyway, the only time I really do is maybe while I'm drinking or like one every other day.
It takes me awhile to go through a pack of cigarettes, I'm not addicted.. I'm glad I have that control.


sha la la la la la la. I'm getting extremely sick of Grand Theft Auto San Andreas.. Clint's been playing it constantly over the past week haha. He's playing now. and that's why I'm on here but I can still hear him playing even if I don't watch.. I'm sorry I'm NOT at ALL a racist person but fuck that stupid San Andreas nigger. I wish you could have different fucking characters, I'm sick of his voice and all the shit he says. lol. I WOULDN'T be if Clint didn't play it so much!
Hah it's alright it's cute that's my baby and I love him very much. < 3

I will admit that I am home sick.
I never thought I'd be home sick, but I really am.. I miss the city I live in, Peoria, and I miss my state, Illinois.
And I miss my puppy little miss Riley so much, as well as my cat Tootsie and I miss my babies, my ratties, Aiden and Angeline.
I miss them soooo much!
& I even miss my mom & my brother, and my dada.
My mom has breast cancer and is going into surgery very soon after I get home Sunday.. and after that she wont be able to do anything for a long time so guess who gets to? ^_^ yeah, me. -_-
Cooking, cleaning, dishes, taking care of the animals, driving my little brother anywhere and everywhere he needs to go.. I have to grow up, I have to take controll, and take care of my mommy and family.
I'll definately need a little help here and there from some friends, so I'm hoping my friend Amber wont mind coming over here and there and helping me cook and clean and take care of my mom and shit.. I can't ALWAYS do it ALL alone. Egh I'll die.


Anyway I've posted enough, I'm excited to hopefully be going to Clint's mom's tomorrow for the next few days or something, yay! I Loooove his mamma, and there's alcohol over there, hurrah! Gosh, whenever I'm down here, I'm such an alcoholic.
But I never get to drink any other time, Clint isn't okay with me drinking with anyone else back at home and I understand that and I'm totally fine with that.
but it makes it so that when I'm here I want all I can get in order to take advantage of it I guess.




Anyway I hope everyone else is doing well.. and not having seizures and crap, lmao.
XD



- Rachel